She wants me to post more blogs here. She yearns for the boy who used to tell her he loves her. he yearns for the guy who would make fer feel desperately wanted and would go on to shower overwhelming affection. she years for the boy, who wouldn’t take his eyes of her.
It has been 2 years now. the deed has been done. we are married. we are happy. but life has a way with time, doesn’t it? life just flies by and suddenly, you are no more 25, no more 27, you are thirty freaking 1. It has been a buzz, in fact the year before the wedding was also a buzz. what is “buzz”?? it just is what it is…. a buzz
there were priorities. I had to join school again, I had to leave a secure job, I was tense. “oh look at me, i’m so tense, oh look at me, I’m leaving a secure job, oh look at me, I cry cry cry”. people were starting businesses, people were losing money, people were losing family, but I had my own problems…
Then i had to submit assignments on time, had to run around attending social events, had to complete academic obligations, had to smile and joke around to maintain equations. oh! boo hoo. how busy life is. Then, I had to change my hobby into a job to suit a CV start hating it by the end of the term. oh boo hoo.
I also snapped at the only person who looked at me adoringly, the only person who cried when she left me. the only person after my parents to whom i meant the world to. An emotion, that i couldn’t understand/come to terms with/or realistically accept, was possible for another human to feel for me. I had done many things in life, but my self esteem always stayed in the dungeons. She had travelled to so far, to be with me. A place that was a almost foreign country to her, a trip that took so much out of her, physically, emotionally. but hey I can snap and I snapped at her. why? she wanted a picture with me. what a crazy woman, she was. taxing me for photos. didn’t she understand? didn’t she know i was so bothered with such overbearing “problems” that a selfie was out of question?? what an absolute idiot she was.
oh, things didn’t stop there, I had to find a job to pay off the big loan, I was tense, what will i do? my life is so difficult. oh no.. oh no… She tells me every now and then, these days, she knew for sure i would land a job then, she was 100% sure, that’s how much she was confident about me. She said i could hit any interview out for a six. she knew that, I didn’t believe her. I, poor puppy, had to be constantly supported, convinced, consoled that i was good enough. I would have lost patience with myslef if i had to take care of me 3 years ago.
then the jobs. oh. the job’s so bad… there is no work. there is nothing to do… these guys are making my life miserable, these guys are making me cry. they are doing this, they are doing that? I have my wedding coming up, but hey my job sucks, what will i do? boohoo… then I got married. but hey the job was still bad.
I was worried there is going to be a fight. I was worried there is going to be some explosion, let this even get over, I will enjoy my life with you. I have rest of my life for it. Oh hope the wedding goes off smoothly. This was the best day of my life and I let you off to deal with your thoughts while i was waiting for a bomb to go off… could I have smiled at you more?? you looked the best I have seen you till date (everyday included) on that day. You looked happy, I can still go back and pull back some still photographs that my brain had taken of you on that day.
then the second job. oh my god so much work. oh my god my morals, oh my god my ethics . oh my god 18 h schedule oh my god i can’t sleep at night. the work is killing me. I’m dying here, can’t you see? do you need a vacation? are you mad? do you even know what i am going through? stop whining, be a man. did you like the one vacation i took you? did you like it? wasn’t it brilliant? wasn’t it brilliant how i messed up everyday life so much that even a hint of normalcy was like paradise for 3 days? brillinat, right?
then, I sit here, on 13th, the day you got me to admit i loved you, this day, 7 years ago, (I still don’t believe in valentines day). That day, if I had someone whom i could torment, I would have cried pityfilly about my mad love for you and how it is doomed forever. I am sure of this.
the truth is, I have taken you for granted. I have let you understand that i’m less communicative about my feelings. I have convinced you to accept what i dish out and feel happy that you get attention of some magnitude while some others don’t get even this. I have pleaded with you to believe that my problems are bigger than what they are while you have reminded me time and again of its insignificance in the larger scheme of things.
I have made you switch jobs which i may not have done myself. while i claimed outside to be a champion of equality, I have treated your work life as shit. I have convinced you that since i am earning and would be expected to earn going forwardf the logical thing would be for you to follow my footsteps and tail along wherever i go. I have uppended your career and had suggested twice of thrice that it was either this or “do a long distance”. You cried after spending just a week with me, when you left. I asked you to do long distance. I was logical, I was sensible right??
Over the last few months, I have been eaten up by these thoughts. I think I have been insensitive, I have been callous, but most of all, I have taken you for granted. For someone who loves me so much, she can’t leave me, right? I will come around, I will make it up. well, making up has turned out wonderfully. I’m 31, and 3 years / 1000 days of my life have gone where you have completely accepted me for what i’m, Completely (10 year old me would have laughed uncontrollably at a farty bastard) . You have worked, you have cooked, you have been there when i needed, stayed away when i was sullen or sad and I didn’t even know if you needed a hug or a kiss or just a smile.
what now?? I can’t change the way I communicate. expression of love has never been my strong suite. I feel cheap compesating it with gifts. It is like throwing money at problems and wishing it would go away. So what can i do now?
The two weeks at home, have given me a lot to think about, I have realised, I have alienated you and my parents slowly, they are demanding love openly, you are too decent and gentle to demand the same. you are just hoping that i would be the guy that wrote these blogs 5-7 years back. you hope the new job will magically change all this. Somehow you think despite the separation now, I may get closer to you. I’m also sure there is another part of you that’s scared to death of a widening distance.
so here goes. some ground rules for work life balance. I setting these up today. I want to stick to it.
My dearest, I will pick your phone whatever the time of the day or place i am in. I will talk to you for at least a minute even if i’m in a war. If i’m unable to, I will promptly return your call.
I will listen to you, and not be distracted when you talk. I will let you know if i’m getting distracted and ensure there is a sold reason for doing so. Knowing my restlessness that i’m born with i’m sure you will understand if I do cut you off. But, I will proimise to listen to you till I get restless.
I will try my best to update you on simple silly things in my life. (with you, in greater and more intimate detail). I will be more open about my wants and needs and demand them from you. I think I have not been taking enough of liberty with you and hence have not been making you feel wanted/loved.
(Sometimes though, my crippling inablity to express affection and my extreme attention issues may affect my resolve. I know, you will like my mom does, pardon me for those times)
Finally, I will try to hug you more, Will try to express what i feel, even if it takes a whole minute out of my “busy” schedule. I have lost 3 years, I don’t want to lose even a minute more. I will also reduce my whining. I will start looking at it like you do. does this matter enough to take up this much time in my life. Is the cost worth paying? is the time worth losing?
The answer, I’m sure will be a no, for most scenarios. Most problems are not worth spending the amount of time i spend on them. I absolutely, and with my entire heart love you to bits. I love everything about you. I love your eyes, I love your nose, your smile, your chin, your body, your voice, your anger, your hugs, your kisses and your punches. I want more of it and I want to deserve it.
I am starting, with a post here. like you have wanted all this time.