31

She wants me to post more blogs here. She yearns for the boy who used to tell her he loves her. he yearns for the guy who would make fer feel desperately wanted and would go on to shower overwhelming affection. she years for the boy, who wouldn’t take his eyes of her.

It has been 2 years now. the deed has been done. we are married. we are happy. but life has a way with time, doesn’t it? life just flies by and suddenly, you are no more 25, no more 27, you are thirty freaking 1. It has been a buzz, in fact the year before the wedding was also a buzz. what is “buzz”?? it just is what it is…. a buzz

there were priorities. I had to join school again, I had to leave a secure job, I was tense. “oh look at me, i’m so tense, oh look at me, I’m leaving a secure job, oh look at me, I cry cry cry”. people were starting businesses, people were losing money, people were losing family, but I had my own problems…

Then i had to submit assignments on time, had to run around attending social events, had to complete academic obligations, had to smile and joke around to maintain equations. oh! boo hoo. how busy life is. Then, I had to change my hobby into a job to suit a CV start hating it by the end of the term. oh boo hoo.

I also snapped at the only person who looked at me adoringly, the only person who cried when she left me. the only person after my parents to whom i meant the world to. An emotion, that i couldn’t understand/come to terms with/or realistically accept, was possible for another human to feel for me. I had done many things in life, but my self esteem always stayed in the dungeons. She had travelled to so far, to be with me. A place that was a almost foreign country to her, a trip that took so much out of her, physically, emotionally. but hey I can snap and I snapped at her. why? she wanted a picture with me. what a crazy woman, she was. taxing me for photos. didn’t she understand? didn’t she know i was so bothered with such overbearing “problems” that a selfie was out of question?? what an absolute idiot she was.

oh, things didn’t stop there, I had to find a job to pay off the big loan, I was tense, what will i do? my life is so difficult. oh no.. oh no… She tells me every now and then, these days, she knew for sure i would land a job then, she was 100% sure, that’s how much she was confident about me. She said i could hit any interview out for a six. she knew that, I didn’t believe her. I, poor puppy, had to be constantly supported, convinced, consoled that i was good enough. I would have lost patience with myslef if i had to take care of me 3 years ago.

then the jobs. oh. the job’s so bad… there is no work. there is nothing to do… these guys are making my life miserable, these guys are making me cry. they are doing this, they are doing that? I have my wedding coming up, but hey my job sucks, what will i do? boohoo… then I got married. but hey the job was still bad.

I was worried there is going to be a fight. I was worried there is going to be some explosion, let this even get over, I will enjoy my life with you. I have rest of my life for it. Oh hope the wedding goes off smoothly. This was the best day of my life and I let you off to deal with your thoughts while i was waiting for a bomb to go off… could I have smiled at you more?? you looked the best I have seen you till date (everyday included) on that day. You looked happy, I can still go back and pull back some still photographs that my brain had taken of you on that day.

then the second job. oh my god so much work. oh my god my morals, oh my god my ethics . oh my god 18 h schedule oh my god i can’t sleep at night. the work is killing me. I’m dying here, can’t you see? do you need a vacation? are you mad? do you even know what i am going through? stop whining, be a man. did you like the one vacation i took you? did you like it? wasn’t it brilliant? wasn’t it brilliant how i messed up everyday life so much that even a hint of normalcy was like paradise for 3 days? brillinat, right?

then, I sit here, on 13th, the day you got me to admit i loved you, this day, 7 years ago, (I still don’t believe in valentines day). That day, if I had someone whom i could torment, I would have cried pityfilly about my mad love for you and how it is doomed forever. I am sure of this.

the truth is, I have taken you for granted. I have let you understand that i’m less communicative about my feelings. I have convinced you to accept what i dish out and feel happy that you get attention of some magnitude while some others don’t get even this. I have pleaded with you to believe that my problems are bigger than what they are while you have reminded me time and again of its insignificance in the larger scheme of things.

I have made you switch jobs which i may not have done myself. while i claimed outside to be a champion of equality, I have treated your work life as shit. I have convinced you that since i am earning and would be expected to earn going forwardf the logical thing would be for you to follow my footsteps and tail along wherever i go. I have uppended your career and had suggested twice of thrice that it was either this or “do a long distance”. You cried after spending just a week with me, when you left. I asked you to do long distance. I was logical, I was sensible right??

Over the last few months, I have been eaten up by these thoughts. I think I have been insensitive, I have been callous, but most of all, I have taken you for granted. For someone who loves me so much, she can’t leave me, right? I will come around, I will make it up. well, making up has turned out wonderfully. I’m 31, and 3 years / 1000 days of my life have gone where you have completely accepted me for what i’m, Completely (10 year old me would have laughed uncontrollably at a farty bastard) . You have worked, you have cooked, you have been there when i needed, stayed away when i was sullen or sad and I didn’t even know if you needed a hug or a kiss or just a smile.

what now?? I can’t change the way I communicate. expression of love has never been my strong suite. I feel cheap compesating it with gifts. It is like throwing money at problems and wishing it would go away. So what can i do now?

The two weeks at home, have given me a lot to think about, I have realised, I have alienated you and my parents slowly, they are demanding love openly, you are too decent and gentle to demand the same. you are just hoping that i would be the guy that wrote these blogs 5-7 years back. you hope the new job will magically change all this. Somehow you think despite the separation now, I may get closer to you. I’m also sure there is another part of you that’s scared to death of a widening distance.

so here goes. some ground rules for work life balance. I setting these up today. I want to stick to it.

My dearest, I will pick your phone whatever the time of the day or place i am in. I will talk to you for at least a minute even if i’m in a war. If i’m unable to, I will promptly return your call.

I will listen to you, and not be distracted when you talk. I will let you know if i’m getting distracted and ensure there is a sold reason for doing so. Knowing my restlessness that i’m born with i’m sure you will understand if I do cut you off. But, I will proimise to listen to you till I get restless.

I will try my best to update you on simple silly things in my life. (with you, in greater and more intimate detail). I will be more open about my wants and needs and demand them from you. I think I have not been taking enough of liberty with you and hence have not been making you feel wanted/loved.

(Sometimes though, my crippling inablity to express affection and my extreme attention issues may affect my resolve. I know, you will like my mom does, pardon me for those times)

Finally, I will try to hug you more, Will try to express what i feel, even if it takes a whole minute out of my “busy” schedule. I have lost 3 years, I don’t want to lose even a minute more. I will also reduce my whining. I will start looking at it like you do. does this matter enough to take up this much time in my life. Is the cost worth paying? is the time worth losing?

The answer, I’m sure will be a no, for most scenarios. Most problems are not worth spending the amount of time i spend on them. I absolutely, and with my entire heart love you to bits. I love everything about you. I love your eyes, I love your nose, your smile, your chin, your body, your voice, your anger, your hugs, your kisses and your punches. I want more of it and I want to deserve it.

I am starting, with a post here. like you have wanted all this time.

sleep

There are days, or nights to be precise, when sleep eludes me, I have come to realize that on most times, it has got something to do with you. Not because I can’t sleep out of the overwhelming – all consuming passion for you. I’m past that. Past that in the sense that I have learnt to differentiate my carnal lusting for you from the feeling of companionship, warmth and love, a hug would give me.Your hug.

Does the need for a hug render you sleepless too?

I fight this lonely battle, a battle of uncertainties. A battle in which aspirations, career, and hope, all fight for space. A battle in which logic fails, hearts wail and sanity flails, on the brink of madness. I take a step back, take a deep breath and tell myself “ give it time, things will be ok”. Others tell me the same thing. “don’t jump into decisions” they say.

The zen moment passes as fast as it had come over. A fleeting moment of emptiness. The mind is back to the numbing stasis of reality.The reality of all things that refuse to yield. I can’t really sleep with so many people inside me telling me what to do; most of them my own voices.

I am tired on most days, if I could somehow block those voices, I could catch some sleep.A warm hug now also would do just fine… a warm hug from you. I always smile when you hug me, you wouldn’t know that, would you?.

The TV sits in a corner, spewing and spitting light at me angrily. I pay no heed. TVs are dead things. They can’t be angry. I sit. I watch. I wonder if my eyelid would close involuntarily. No.I become conscious of something that’s playing on the TV. I watch, guiltily. I should be sleeping now. I should have a warm hand around me. I should be waking up to a beautiful morning. But, not tomorrow, not anymore.

The light is bright, the light is flickering. A couple hug on screen and snuggle up to sleep. See? people are happy… see? no trouble at all… see? all predictable misunderstandings… see? great kissing in the end… see? heart-warming hugs… see? relationships are easy-peazy…  see?…  bullshit.

Now why can’t I have a hug? oh ya, the distance. Is this a problem dear TV? “No no, no bro, this is easy, no sweat. See true love = a happy ending in the final scene featuring mad running, jumping fences in the airport and fierce hugs and kisses. ok?”  True love…

Unfortunately, Kakinda doesn’t have an airport. Ok, so where is my hug now?

Dawn breaks. My heart breaks. I wish I could see you wake up; there is some magic in the way you look at me, half asleep. Life seems easier when that smile creeps up slowly on the corners of your mouth….

The vision is blurred, now.The TV is one with my dreamscape, The TV is also part of reality. The TV exists in a world in between, watching me silently, flickering. The darkness around me is lifting… light streams in. I have trundled through a whole night in a dazed sleepless stupor. The night has killed the next day. I would wake up only by 11; provided I sleep. My life wastes away slowly, one night at a time…

How I wish things were different. How I wish I could stop with the fake smiles that I put up for others. How I wish I could stop lying to you, telling you “things will be ok tomorrow”. How I wish that things actually were better. How I wish I could take stock of my life, how I wish I could just sleep.

 

smile…

I miss you and how! We are 700 km apart and It is impossible for me, on a whim, to scoot over for a hug. There are times though, when I miss you, nostalgia kicks in. The old memories seem to fill up, albeit partially, the gaping holes of loneliness, even if it just for a while.

With us, the way things turned out, there was no room for charming each other, meeting at coffee shops, tentatively asking out, conveying expressions with a card, etc. It was never love at first sight, in fact there was rarely any ‘sight’ to speak of till we fell headlong into this jumble of emotions. We still barely see each other, something that always tugs at my heart when I see couples jauntily trotting by.

I have stolen a few peeks at you every now and then and we have manged to stay in touch somehow; in memory of these peeks. But, the one that regularly pops back in my mind and the one image that I’m always fond of is the smile that greeted me one fine morning in Bangalore with a small packet carrying a sandwich. I like sandwiches, but I loved someone more that day.

Right from the fateful day you said yes, my impatience at not being able to meet you started dictating my thought processes. I was waiting for the slimmest of chances to slip away, even if it meant that I would only catch a glimpse of you. A glimpse of water to the parched tongue. I longed to see the face that possessed me, day and night. I also wanted to make sure, you were well and truly mine. I felt that I had probably convinced you into liking me, rather than you actually liking me. I wondered what if you didn’t like me in person. Naughtier still, I wondered what if I didn’t like you after meeting you? what if I had convinced myself you were beautiful? what if you were just ‘ordinary’ and my overwhelming ‘love’ had clouded over my better judgment?

“Oh no, what was I getting into…?”, I thought as the bus neared the stop.  I remember giggling after this particular thought. I promised myself then, that I would open with this, as an ice breaker. It might help breaking ice, or my face, depending on how you took it. I don’t know whether this sentiment was expressed that day. I guess I forgot.

On that day, As I disembarked at Anand circle, I lost my bearings, both emotionally and spatially. I floated aimlessly along the road, across the road, and somehow managed to  reach the signal where you had promised to meet me. There was a guy trying to look calm and nonchalant, chewing on the candy he had just bought, there was another guy trying to distract himself to calm, naming the cars and bikes on the road as they passed by and then there was the third guy who was peering  into every passing auto in the hope of spotting her before she spots him. All three of them were trapped in my body.In time, the third guy shut the other two down and I felt Goosebumps as an auto came to a stop nearby. No leg popped out.

Restless by nature, my mind was on overdrive trying to fill up the time with random thoughts. These thoughts were slowly getting out of hand. I started imagining scenarios where you would look at my disheveled self, after a travel of 18 hours, and wonder if you were doing the right thing.I looked tired, haggard and neared  40 in my countenance. Would the 24 year old accept me? I thought, “no no, she’s a good girl, she won’t reject me! … wait will she?” The thought stuck. What if you really felt that way? What would I do then?  It is not right, is it? to carry on? If I wasn’t up to it, I was not. Period. You might have bet on the guy who texted you, who seemed nice from a phone’s distance, who cared for you between texts and in a few minutes, we would be stepping out of that comfort zone, out of our private spaces. I realize now that the trepidation I felt might have been mutual, but, at that instant, logical thinking was beyond my reach and I was mortified of disappointing you.

This was in many ways a ‘first date’ for me. Even though I knew you inside out, we were stepping into a zone where we had to acknowledge each other’s presence in our lives and step up to whatever was coming at us, moving forward. This meant an acceptance at a conscious level that ‘us’ could work and also not to cheat ourselves into assuming the same if it turned out otherwise.It was a test of sorts. I shivered a little as a gust hit me. I was jarred out of my train of thought. I glanced at the line of autos waiting for green. No sign of you. I texted, inquiring your location (wru?). No reply.

You walked towards me in a white T shirt with a Black design. One look and I lost all my composure. I must have had the stupidest grin pasted on my face because I was keenly aware of it (I would really hate to see a snapshot of that face now). Through the haze of the self conscious, shy, gawky and doubtful smile I also felt another emotion, one of inexplicable happiness. I had not erred with you. I did love you to bits.

And here, I paused. I held my breath, I still didn’t know what you thought of me… was I good enough? Did you approve?  Yes? No? . You continued walking towards me; you smiled.

pensive

Tomorrow is a holiday. It is Christmas, a public holiday. I’m really excited about the break. I hate my job on some days, like it on some other days, get frustrated with it sometimes and at other times totally question my motivations for taking it up. When you start questioning your motivations, you are in big trouble. You falter. I keep wondering ‘what am I doing here? am I really fighting for the right things? Am I fighting? Fighting for whom? Fighting with whom? Do I really know where I’m? where I’m headed?

There are of course so many benign suggestions for the direction my life should take. A course of action if you may, so many things that I ‘should’ be doing now, so many things I want myself to be doing now. ‘Do something about your life’, ‘time is ticking by’,’grab your opportunity’, ‘seize the day’, ‘be bold’, ‘be assertive’… So many leads for me to follow,so many paths for me to take, so many that some of them conflict others.What I end up with though, is this glorious self awareness of helpless emptiness and a frighteningly nagging thought that my inaction now will someday return to haunt me with “I knew it back then”, “I told you so”, “you turned out to be really ordinary”,”you were so promising”, etc.I’m scared, I really am. I really had the world figured out;at least I wanted to believe I had. Unfortunately, the world is too fickle to fall into a framework.I sit among all the chatter.

I take the corner seat, a seat that allows me to be irrelevant, that allows me to fade into the wall. A girl is laughing at a joke the guy opposite to her had just cracked, at the expense of the guy next to him; a couple is polishing off the last remnants of a snack from their common plate with a satisfied smile, a boy is fighting for the first scoop of ice cream with his sister, an anguished mother is trying to make peace, Two guys are staring at their phones, completely immersed, but aware of each other’s comforting presence. I sit here, among them, detached & silent , in a state of limbo. I am suddenly aware of myself sitting here and become concious of the abject emptiness.

I hate this detachment. I pull out my phone; I flick through my favourite stops. I stuff my brain with random news of the world, I plug my ears, let the music drown my screaming loneliness, assault my mind with figures and facts even if it is just to smother out the depression clawing at me. I smile at the waiter who brings me my food. Politeness,etiquette, existence, what is the point? Win, loss, need, love, hate, what is the point? Happiness, is it really worth it? I pay the bill, leave him a generous tip, hoping that he’d smile at me, hoping that he would show me that he somehow cares, hoping to buy some love.I tire myself to sleep. Again.

I wake up. snake about till the bed feels like a rock. Breakfast. Hunger. The most primal of urges, I decide I have to eat, but I really don’t feel like eating. How I wish someone made me tea. How I wish I had someone to make tea for. How I wish I had something to do. If only people could give unconditionally. So many expectations, so many rules, so many interpretations. Is love really that complicated?. tiresome? shouldn’t it be natural? Organic? It is, a lot of times, but then you have your own set of expectations. you want everything to fit your small wooden frame, snugly.

The room is suffocating. I need to get out. The bike revs up,I plug into my player without playing music. Silence. Isolation. Peace. Where am I headed? God knows where, just somewhere where someone would smile at me, and tell me, “it is OK things are going to be alright” and also give me a tight hug. Or maybe somewhere else. Or just keep shifting up, and ride out of the city into the fields with the icy cold wind slapping across my face, hoping I wake up from this stupor in the arms of the woman I Love….

she says….

For someone whose last written prose in all probability, would have been written with the sole purpose of passing a boring exam and securing grades that doesn’t affect her gross performance, writing again can really be a challenge.To find something to write about other than, ‘FYNA’, ‘Revert back’ ‘please find attached’, ‘thanking you’, ‘yours faithfully’, etc. needs a push.she finds it; somehow; and writes this for me…

The passage is a parched tongue trying to communicate after a long silence. for me, this is a work of art.it is a personal statement, one that is dear to me, immune to criticism. for me, this is love in all its worth… In an age where communication is just a bunch of short texts, this comes as a breath of fresh air. the content is not new, the intent is… and i shall treasure this as it is…

for posterity, with love and lot of affection.

shakti says:

He wants me to write about this thing I feel of late. So, We could read later and cherish.

I said ok, not a good writer though.. This is just for you, my love.

Where do I start? We are friends, become good friends enough to bitch about each other’s ex-s. This should have the beginning of it all.

This guy makes random phone calls, which manages to last  at least an hour in spite of the BSNL & Docomo networks. One day,  decides to come to Bangalore, just to make sure he loo-ooves me. And it is a yes, not very surprising.

We meet at his ex’s engagement with my ex consoling him around not to feel low about what’s happening.  Doesn’t really affect him anymore.

He gives me longing looks, says things like he  can’t take a not-so-fat guy on his bike.

Texts me controversial messages on Whatsapp. One fine day, before his deputation to Mumbai, coincidentally 2 days before the V-day, I ask him, Hey, do u lik me?

V: No..

V: Yes.. No, I think I do

A: GOTCHA

A: Listen, v r frnds, ok?

V: ok 😦 But I think u like me

I keep chatting normally, in fact extra usually. Now, this is weird. (Just friends?) hmmm..

Hey wait, It’s a no from me.  I think I like u, but like friends. But I am  considering u, huh

I think on & off. I go to Vaish’s wedding, He goes to ONGC.

I tell my dad, this guy likes me, Why don’t you consider? (Venku  puts all random smileys inside his head)

Finally, I say those 3 words on 6.7.2013. Admittance.

I start feeling extra happy, when things around are going just fine. This tingly feeling you know there’s somebody for you, who lets you enjoy your freedom, complete trust and LOVE. You look beautiful than ever.

He feels good about me understanding him better, I wonder if it’s just really me doing that. Sometimes, he just reads through my head. How can he trespass. Now, that’s too much I say. For the good, all that is happening to us now, I feel loved.

You compliment me!

Just so you know, with respect to the last line, she hasn’t seen Jerry Maguire yet, planning to show her that scene… cheers !! 🙂

 

 

hi di…

the time is 1 am, you had asked me to write a blog yesterday.well, you have forced my hand. for the past one hour i have been just tossing and turning to no avail. sleeps seems to be far away. it is not because of you.i can sleep pretty easily.  it is really not because of you.

I felt restless… i have no idea why. I was sitting in front of the tv that was playing deva hits. i found random scenes reminding me of you. random looks, touches and kisses on screen reminding me of you. i’m sick i thought.but slowly the lust faded away and the hugs,the glances and the kisses sent pangs of pain in my heart. i feel so lonely right now,and i know i have bored you enough with stories of how lonely i am and how you should probably understand me. i must really be getting on your nerves by now. but i really wish i could snuggle up to you and sleep like a baby. how being with you would make everything around me inconsequential.  right now, everything around me seems so depressing, so maudlin. so i cri, lik i txt. i cri lik nythng evrytiem.I don’t know whether you feel these things. i wish you don’t and i marry you before you start missing me like this. it really is painful and i wouldn’t want you to suffer such pain. seems melodramatic no? cliched? maybe they are so because it is so true.

you are the stronger one, please lend me some strength, i feel exhausted. office, work, dinner, doing odds and ends and now i’m unable to bring a closure to this pointless day. i feel empty. i try to keep myslef busy, i really try. i do all can. i just end up feeling emptier. i couldn’t talk to you all day. i don’t know y. we didn’t talk yesterday either. i dunno y either. it was not the small fight.. we just didn’t talk. and i dunno y. i’m repeating myself. i dunno y.  should i apologize to you for this? should i apologize to you for something? should i apologize to someone to whom i’ve caused some hurt and he decided to curse me. i dunno whom to apologize to. if i just knew.or if i could just wave a wand, make it alright. how i wish i could. but life would become boring no? and i would probably become greedy. it is probably just our fate and bad coincidences, whatever, i have just had about enough and am at wit’s end. just call me and say hi no? please? i really try to be the best man for you. but in the process if you seem to find something annoying, just know that i didn’t mean to hurt you, but was just being myself. it would be too stupid for me to change who i am. you would not like me anymore. just let me know what it is, we can always fight it out, talk about it and curse each other. but not the silence, please… talk to me even if i’m impossible now and then. it would mean the world to me. i love you and i’m awake because i didn’t get enough of you today. so it is not really you but me.

love you. it is 1:40 now. i love you. i see that i have not made much sense to this point. i love you. forgive me, i’m in a semi dazed state, i love you. i guess there is no point in typing now. i love you. so bye, take care. i love you.

A year on….

The car is moving along. The world is a blur. Under the lamps, the city is bathed in a warm yellow glow. The city has always been warm to me. The familiar roads, streets, routes all leading to the end of my stay in this beautiful place that is my home. My friends had helped me move some of my ‘excess baggage’ to a place nearby, to retrieve it later when I found time. We are returning back now. My heart is heavy. Events flash across my eyes. The night show, the lone bike rides, the ‘get together’s, the eateries, the beach. THE BEACH. I would miss them all… terribly. I am leaving a city that had given me everything I had.

I can sense an anticipation creeping in too. The charm of a new place, new people to work with, a change from the mundane. Why not?  All my  trips had taught me to always look forward to change rather than fear it. The excitement was palpable. But below all these layers, like asphalt in a fractionating column, sat a sense of deep loss.

It is not inexplicable.this feeling of dead silence every now and then.

Exchange of thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, love, hate stuff & nonsense have become so easy. The mobile phones bring people together so fast. I had started falling for her slowly and by the time I realized the depth of it all, the whole emotion, had become so organic that i feel ridiculous now, that I haven’t expressed it to her yet. But no, the world is not easy. Life is complicated and I had my own bunch of royal complications. “why can’t the world be simple? And logical?” well if it were, I wouldn’t be sitting here, analyzing this. So here I am depressed, swaying mildly to the song playing in the car, staring out, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.

Unconciously, like many do,

 “HI, wassup ??”

Till tomorrow, till I board that flight, it is just an 8 hour journey. I can drop by in the pretext of seeing someone else, steal a glance or two. Now I was moving away… farther away…

Hi

“just getting back , dumped all my books at friend’s place”

I will board that flight tomorrow and it would just become too far for this. The phone lines have already stretched thin. This may just die. But would it? This feeling… I really don’t know. New place. New energy. That should probably help me out.

Oh

 ate?

“yes! Something , as usual. Tasteless stuff.”

 “Wat doing?  Great weather here in Chennai”

The night is so good. The moon, the breeze. This is so peaceful. I should probably let her know before I leave . what is the worst that will happen?

Watching tv

:p I’m in banglore, don’t talk to me about weather.

Ok you should tell her. Probably tell her “just FYI”. So that you feel better. But what is the use? You would probably be killing a good friendship. You know you are really comfortable with her as a friend. Is this all worth it? Not really. Best is to just shut up.

“wish you were here, this is awesome, we could walk”

Chennai sucks, why would I come there

Move away, there is time. You would probably confuse her, shatter her piece of mind, she doesn’t deserve that. She deserves her time alone. Shut up, you!. Listen to raja sir… raja sir… hehe. I wonder why this radio guy starts talking in husky,tones after 9. Is he horny?

“just thought ya. I would probably walk in the beach with you rather than sit here”

Oh he is trying to be soft. Night, breeze, soft voice, raja sir, rubbing off, like genie??, Aladdin, magic lamp…wow… so much “peelings”, so much magic. WAIT WHAT DID I JUST SEND HER. OH NO… NOOO

WAT?

“nothing, just a thought”

 This is just sad.

Hey I wanted to ask you something. I will ask if you don’t feel weird.

Oh god!! What have I done. Wait what if…..

“ask”

Probably, she likes me, It Is possible. Why not? Let me see. Wow nice song too.

“ask! Where did you run away?”

“hello”

What is wrong with her.

 Hey I was drinking water! 

 do you like me?

WHAT?? WOW…respond suitably, respond in brief res…

“Yes. Of course! You are my good friend”

…pond intell… wait!! I have already sent my reply…not a bad one either.. well payed.

You know what I mean.

“no ya! Why do you ask? Have I been giving you wrong signals? You are one of my closest friends”

Hmmm

“I like you very much as a friend”

Dunno… lately I keep getting this feeling you like me, that is why I wanted to confirm, I didn’t want to lead you on. so you don’t “like” like me right?

No I love you like crazy you fool

“no”

Wat no?

Idiot why is she stretching this.

“NO!  I like you, a lot… I love you”

Ooops…..

So it has been a year since this conversation happened. The conversation continued the way it had to. I bared it all. She was ”just friends”. She was, for six months. I didn’t buy. She realized she may have loved me all along. I agreed. We made a deal. We agreed to honour the fact that both of us “like” like each other.

tightrope

THE TV PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.  The play, the plot, jarring and insensitive to its surroundings.  A slouched head shifts, away from the drivel in disgust. The room is dark. The thoughts are too. Turmoil. Inferno. The glare of light seems too intrusive; the shifting kaleidoscopic patterns on the wall of the TV, sufficiently bright and reflective. Ah! There is a trite trope.

This is where the story moves from third person to 1st person. There are people, they want something from me. I’m indebted to all of them. I don’t want to be. I don’t like people bossing over me. I hate my boss. I feel like crying, more out of the bottled up anger. But I can’t cry. Not yet. I have clothes piled; I had slept under it yesterday, deciding not to do anything about it. I need to iron them. In a swift move I get up, pick them up and decide to get a grip on my life. I go about ironing my clothes mechanically. Switch on the lights, plug in the box, stare at the TV while it heats, and start pressing; Neat creases, with a lot of patience. A sense of soothing calmness washes over me, a sense of studied order is established. The thing with order is it is suffocating. I look at the last shirt in front of me and just fold it away under the pressed ones. That will have to do. Order, neatness, creases and folds apparently brings in harmony. So what is the point, what is the point of all this order? I have everything, I have nothing, I want more, I see faces that want more, they  are aggressive, dispassionate, hounding. I don’t like that face on me. I convince myself I’m content. I’m 25 and am still in the same place that I started from, not an inch towards where I want to be. Writing, my boy needs talent. You are as talented as an elephant at long jump. Flailing my trunk and plopping down right at the start, I look up to see the plot move, I’m at a different place and am playing a different animal. A chameleon.

let me go…

Are you crying? Are you sitting on your bed, hugging yourself? Are you lying down, staring at infinity? Are all the movies I have watched, teaching me wrong things? Are you moving around as though nothing has happened? Has it affected you at all? It should have. We couldn’t stop smiling, even for a second. What is going through your mind? I want to know.

The last 48 hours: 11 of them wasted, sleeping; 18 spent travelling; I remember every minute of the other 19 hours I was with you. 19 hours; god, it feels like 10 minutes. I try recollecting and I can’t seem to account for any of those minutes that passed. Everything is a blur. I contradict myself. I’m going nuts.

I can still smell your moisturizer. It’s hanging around me, lingering in the air, calling me, reproaching me for leaving you, imploring me to come back. I return, walk back to you. I tell you I’m sorry. You are talking to me, you are laughing, and you are walking with me. We lock our hands together and I smile stupidly.I’m happy. The bus brakes, I snap back to reality. This wraith of you has taken me hostage. It has turned all my thoughts of you against me.

I look outside, the bus is speeding along; it is raining outside. There is this misplaced uneasiness of the bus hydroplaning off the road. What if I die? I smile. Then I see you smiling at me and I fall back into this familiar abyss of loneliness. I miss you. Involuntarily, the events of the day wander back into my head & I’m overwhelmed by this inexplicable exhilaration. I lose coordination and just let my thoughts wash over me. The auto ride, the walk, the talk, the dinner, the room; flashes of haphazard happiness.

I wait for the inevitable emptiness and it strikes harder this time around, the events are still raw and the void is excruciating. There is dead silence. I take a deep breath to calm myself. Without warning, another pantomime starts off and I’m not able to bear this anymore. My heart gives up; cries for help… 

Please save me….

 

happiness

this is new to me, this is new to this blog. this is new, really really new, i don’t want a full stop in this passage, really, please let this not stop. damn, ok let that be a symbol of our deaths, till death do us apart,ok? really… even if there are fights… let them be full stops that signify continuance, not stops… let me feel it, oh god, oh man, this is so beautiful, wish i could by some magic of nature, super-nature or science stay connected to you, hear what you hear see what you see, every second, talk to you , keep telling you that you are beautiful, lovely, divine, oh my, how i wish i never get out of obsessively loving you, how i wish this never wanes, how i wish i stay this happy.. how i wish… tell me it will … tell me it’s ok… gimme a sign, gimme love… i love u… 🙂